I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Randomize
