i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
