when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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