No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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