So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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