I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
