dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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