Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
