If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
