The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
