dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
