Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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