I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Come share oat with me in your robe
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
