I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
just found out that she named her cat after me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
