Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
