I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
