just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
