thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
And then he peed in my hair
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