There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
