Is it normal to miss your booty call?
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
