My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
