DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
