Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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