Will you blow on my dice?
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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