My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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