So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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