yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
