I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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