I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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