Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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