Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
