I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
a search helicopter?!
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
