Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
