oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
