i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
