Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
