the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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