Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
