so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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