There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
