I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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