she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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