If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
