The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
