I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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