This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
