I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
