I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
