Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
