so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
