even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
