Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I checked into jail on foursquare
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
