Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Randomize
