i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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