On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
