he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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