do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
