Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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