dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
