i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
