Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
