Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
