The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
